Fatal Fault

I know, some may find me naive,
I know, some may find me oblivious,
I know, I may tend to be preoccupied with nothing but randomness with my friends, duty for my family and serious about school work.

I don't even know if someone can read or guess what I am currently thinking
Yes there are a lot of times I'm "frigid"
Because I'm picky,
Because I can delude myself to think of other things,
Because I can order my mind to think of other matters,

It's my self defense mechanism....

It is not in my nature to be intimate, to be caring and to be personal
When it comes to relationships all I know is about my friends and family

I never dwell on looking for my significant other.
I know something is wrong with me that way.
I may sometimes find those feelings of familiarity with someone
I can grow to be attached to that certain someone
Hell I can even read their thoughts and body language easily

But as I have said, I only have expertise on friends and family
Other relationships are way out of my league.

Though I do wish...
I often wish... someone can read me...
To read between the lines...
To listen to what I am not saying...
To see what I am doing...
To feel what I am preventing myself to feel...

Too bad... no one dared further...
I dished out my disapproval
but yearned for someone to pursue the lost cause...

Why?
Maybe this is my test.
To figure out the real thing...
I do make effort to let them pass my test but still no one took a step forward that I was hoping for.

I am sorry that sometimes I do let the fate decide other than me controlling everything within my reach.

This is my fatal flaw, a fault that I always make
A redundant error that never left my existence.

I trusted to let nature take its course
By letting these pieces drop by themselves,

Unfortunately, not one of those people picked up where I left off
There's was no one and nobody that chased after me.

Still I never change my ways and never stop believing
I might, be able to amke amends from these errors of the past

I hope that trusting someone enough to give the guidelines of this test of mine might suffice...
I wouldn't start posting out cheatcodes or bypasses to the most vunerable thing in me...


"Find me quickly, and past my test with flying colors
because I'm searching for you too, my soulmate"

-=Learning from your past transgressions and improving your character=-

It ends...

heartbreak... another one eh?

"being a fool is also a way of loving"

but there is such a thing a self respect
so therefore I must move on.

yes there are grievances that had to be experienced, to let out and to be expressed
but since you're oblivious to it,
I have to stop, before you notice it.

It doesn't concern you anymore, even if you are the topic (for now)
you have problems on your own
I will not bother myself to try to explain to what might have been or I might have said.

no use crying over spilled milk.
besides after summer's over you're gone
too much school work will block you out my thoughts again
just as it block you out of my life.

adieu, first love.
you were the closest I ever had in my life.
thank you for being the guy that I liked

next time, i'll have the courage to talk to your 1st girlfriend
and tell her to take care of you.

believe me, I wasn't in love of being in love this time.
I was in love with you.
I just never said it straight to your face.

I may act tough around you, but you never knew that you can hurt me.

so good bye as summer ends so does this first love of mine.
thank you for giving it to me even if you don't know it.

Is it necessary to have someone?

Does it hurt?
When everything you believe in shatters.
I tried to be hopeful
I wasn't desperate or anything of the sort
I was just silently wishing that it must be it

No, it wasn't
It never will be.
I was only a guide, a friend
Something that the vine can hold on to until it grows higher and higher reaching the sun
Its tendrils may be attached to me but I will soon be replaced
A stronger structure would take my place
And maybe just maybe, that vine would be no more
It might evolve into a sturdy plant that can grow on its own, without me

*sighs*

Another wishful thinking good thing I stopped before it got worse
A stick can stand on its own anyway
Only if its bottom is firmly planted on the ground

Who knows?
It might develop some roots and turn to a plant itself

. . .

Life does go on
One's remains might be a way for others to live

. . .

My course is a study of life
I'm even applying it in my existence
I hope, I wish again that these theories will give me some answer on how to go on

*sigh*

White Goth?
Yes, I think I am
A optimistic pessimist
If ever there was such a thing, it is I.

No one...Nothing

So serene so empty... I don't even know what I'm feeling right know...

If my inner voice shouts the question "What's going on?" in my head in would just echo trough the vast darkness...

I don't know... My life is... sort of... mechanic this days no point... just do the present and the first priorities...

Monday-Saturday.... student duties... meet with friends after class or in my break time...

Sunday... family duties and again student duties...

It's so empty... maybe its because of my limited internet time... maybe its my cellphone that I ignore on Sundays... or my broken cell site that I refused to use my globe sim anymore, or my limited sun sim contact numbers, or my unused smart sim...

or maybe its just me... I'm just mechanic right now... No I do not feel like a marionette with strings attached to my hands or feet forced to do what it was told...

I feel like an android progammed to react with the controlled conditions around me... working to reach the goal ahead but not enjoying the journey ort the simple and plain process of what I do...

O_O Is the peer pressure going to my head? DO I have other high expectations than this? I haven't reached my goal yet and here I am questionning the steps I make...

Maybe I needed more determination and to be a little bit industrious than I was before. (I do procrastinate sometime...)

Or do I need a break? ...

Well Summer is near I just have to work hard a lot before the break... I don't want to have Summer School again...

*sighs*

Work it ~ Daft Punk

Am I?... nah...

I never felt alone, didn't I?

I'm proud to be single and not caring about someone at all... since I don't know what to do if I had a someone...

I have crushes here and there... but suddenly they became my ideal big brother type...

Through endless seminars and other social studies I have gone through I know what kind of love that is...

but I never felt it. None. Nada. Cinch.

I'm not a prune. I'm not bitter from some past relationship that didn't work out, even though I have one.

I just don't think I fell or grew in love with someone.

Maybe its because of my defense mechanism, I never let everyone in, never trusted someone fully, since I expect everyone to disappoint me sooner or later.

I am still pessimistic, one of my best qualities, including paranoia.

So here I am always the friend, never the girlfriend. ^-^

I don't think I'm gonna fall in love that easily.... someone has to pull me down first.

"But its time to face the truth, I will never be with you.."

Yes the James Blunt song of your Beautiful...

But he the same person I always meet...
YES IM CRUSHIN~~~
or maybe loving I don't really know...

I said I was crushin because crushes are meant to be those people that you adore but has a rare chance of being with you... as that...
and I think it isn't love if you let that person be and just support him in his affairs...

^-^U wow I always feared of this... that is why I always let go anything before it gets worse...
Maybe for now... it will just remain here... as something I will never understand...
So here I am cheering you on... I'll always be your dark angel... sorry if sometimes I'll be distant though... I think I don't want myself to fall without ever letting my wings break the impact...

-_-U Its a mess... really... no I AM NOT LOVESICK~!!!

ミサの歌 (Misa no Uta / Song of Misa)

ミサの歌 (Misa no Uta / Song of Misa)

歌手：平野綾 Original:

きをつけて かみさまはみてる くらいよみちはてをつないでくださいひとりでとおくにいてもいつもみつけだしてくれるしってることはぜんぶおしえてくれる わたしがおぼえてなくてもなんどでもおしえてくれるでもぜんぶわかってしまったらどうすればいいの?

Romanization:
ki wo tsukete kamisama wa miterukurai yomichi wa te wo tsunaide kudasaihitori de tooku ni itemoitsumo mitsukedashite kurerushitteru koto wazenbu oshiete kureruwatashi ga oboete naku temonando demo oshiete kurerudemo zenbu wakatte shimattaradou sureba ii no?

Heartfelt? almost... wait.. I'm pitying it... but no it wasn't

"Must be the bitterness..."

No maybe its not that... I've decided didn't I?

I can and will let go...

Too many second chances given...

Too many times I've tried to cope with it and concealed it...

Did my so-called patience finally reached its peak?

Insensitive... yes.

Time to find a place of my own...

Selfish... yes.

Time to find another thing...

but the closure...

I have never reached or even think about the closure yet...

And I still made up my mind... and I tend to pursue it... It was my conclusion... even if it was emotional.. subjective...

I'm still trying to rationalize it... to be objective about the option that I chose.

Sorry...

But I guess Its over... I'm over... If you can't forget about me... sorry... it is a miserable outcome...

I understand it. I know. Believe me, even if the biterness is still here.

I can see your side of the story. Ad Ignorantium. A regretful fallacy.

Once I made a decision I see through it that it is done.

Just like my decision when Xy died...

You didn't know... Someone had to be my punching bag instead of our circle... Someone had to see me cry my heart out... I trusted him everything...

Well you were crying for everything that was lost... I was crying at everything that was never spoken and always thrown as cryptic hint...

One of my regrets were I wore tainted glasses and waited for something that was never there...

Like my dark angel... It is a hopeless dream... never to be fulfilled but I still hung into it as it were to come true...

You may never get it. No one will... and maybe I wont allow anyone to ever get it until I finally broken down in misery...

Never... ever again...